My Kinda Love Will Destroy You


Love has nothing to do with relationships. Love has nothing to do with adjustments . Its the sheer force to uproot the very notions of your existence . It’s the cyclone to upheaval your senses, your sane rational self. From the unlimited , bright light to lift you up from the trenches of gloom to the eerie dark pull to thrash you back in the dark alleys of sadness.

It is brutal, it is killing it is the destruction of your last ounce of ego , to the points of surrendering your self to the beloved and yet it is the unlimited freedom to soar like an eagle , invading the skies … and of course it is the string in between that eagle and your surrendered self , your vulnerable and the strong self , your enslaved and the free self …
The string that like a drug , defeats all your thoughts of breaking free , that still makes u return to your beloved, after each fight , each crash … Even if the beloved is the reason of this chaos .

Relationships are comfort , adjustments , those sweet candies that you sugarcoat with love and that you eventually lick , to reveal the barren vague and rather monotonous entity left behind . Just like the skeleton of a dead animal , a carcass lying amidst million views and insects . A carcass bleeding, rotting , being eaten up by the vultures , the Vultures Of Our Own Malice , the vultures of this world . Relationships are those crutches , those old rusted crutches.

Love is pure, pure in its entirety. Its pain and pleasure both are pure. The pleasure in seeing your beloved happy even if that happiness comes from stepping over your own heart.
The pain , pure pain , that pain which makes u howl, soiling your sheets in a bloodbath. … The same pain which apparently seems to be silent but tears your heart apart . !!!

Don’t come to me with the kind of love that brings only joy . My kinda love will destroy you , to pieces and I don’t show that love to you darling because you don’t have the strength to bear it .
And when you ask me how I know that ??
I knew it , saw it all those times , when the winds of this world were hitting my face , cutting across , bruising my soul and you didn’t dare to say for once …
,” Let Any Storm Come ! I Will See How Dare It Touch You !!! ”

Remembering Nehru

On the death anniversary of Nehru ,while his legacy might have been removed from textbooks , if it’s believed that his work shall be wiped away it is but a complete folly of the doers .

To all those who keep asking what was accomplished in 60 years – my sincere request is to read “India after Gandhi” by Ramachandra Guha. The size of the book maybe intimidating but please do not let that put you off – it is quite an easy read.

Here is an excerpt :

“In the first week of November 1949, the RSS chief, M.S. Golwalkar, addressed a crowd of 100,000 in Bombay’s Shivaji Park. The speech waxed hot on the virtues of Hindu culture. As the reporter put it: He had a cure-all for the ills of the nation: Make Golwalkar the Fuhrer of All India.

A week later Jawaharlal Nehru came to speak in Bombay. The same venue – Shivaji Park. A record crowd of over 600,000 stampeded the grounds to hear him speak. His message was emphatically different, for he spoke of the need to maintain social peace within India as well as peace between warring nations abroad.

A hundred thousand people had come to hear Golwalkar espouse the idea of a Hindu theocratic state for India. But in this Maharashtrian stronghold, six times as many came to cheer the Prime Minister’s defense of democracy against absolutism, and secularism against chauvinism”

And to think that this happened when the wounds of Partition were still raw. Plus Nehru faced the major handicap of being a moderate – and the middle ground is generally not conducive to the stirring rhetoric that compels men to act nor does it draw strength from fanaticism. Nevertheless, Nehru had the statesmanship and nobility of spirit to stand for what is right and take the nation along with him.

What would we have been otherwise? If we had had a leader who took advantage of the various fault lines that divided the newly formed country for his own political gains?

Some would say India may have been better off. But I would have to disrespectfully disagree.



An Open Letter To The Reply By Mr Harmandeep (ex ota cadet) .

. An Open Letter To The Reply By Mr Harmandeep (ex ota cadet)

1. I wish you along with all others had opened your mind before reading my article . Show me a single time when even remotely I insulted the organisation or anyone serving in it (refer the closing lines ) .
2. No where sir, did I mention the term lady officers , and a lady cadet is an official term . Right ?
3. About having a choice . My article as mentioned was intended to help many other aspirants to make an informed decision about their suitability for the profession and the life in the academy as the same is kept low profile to the outsiders.
(Do be kind enough to answer how many times were u asked at the academy to not tell anyone outside about the things inside ? Remember ! You are not supposed to say what happens inside . Although that might be for mental strength but then people have a right to know )
4. My utter regard for your success despite so many injuries but the technical faults brought about by the article about the training were not my whimsical dreams . Even the doctors inside the academy told us the same in an orientation prog and I quote ,” the casualty rate of IMA is 3% and that of OTA is 34% . Despite repeated recommendations made by the medical wing to bring about changes and include a full fledged strengthening oriented prog the same has been falling on deaf ears . The weather conditions play a pivotal role in this.”
    (Sorry , but I can’t disclose names )
5. Nobody questioned anyone’s love for the training so don’t think from your heart .
6. If you so keenly had worked on your physical fitness MONTHS before joining ota then why such a long list of fractures ?
7. Mr Ex OTA ‘the statement of making men out of boys is not coined by me ‘ these are the exact words that one of the academy’s highest appointments spoke to me .
8. Regarding speaking to GCs . Again the term eye candy is not my coinage. This term n reason was both given to us day in and day out by our own seniors. FOLLOW YOUR SENIORS RYT??
9. I too have been born and brought up in this environment n worked equally hard sir. And if you say there are negatives then be brave enough to accept the negative and not portray them as my insult to army.
10. Again  , I never judged or questioned if it is right or wrong to shut off one’s mind n follow orders . For your info I wrote IT WASN’T RIGHT FOR ME
11. And lastly to all those who are posses off that I wasted govt resources and the seat of another candidate. Folks , I paid 50k bucks for all the time I stayed there and hastened the withdrawal proceedings (which the academy was reluctant to ) so that the next person can join and gladly she has joined .

And for all those who were chanting the tunes of tradition and that I should have known that traditions are to be followed no matter what. Thank you for at least acknowledging the rigidity that prevails , and hopefully to accept that reforms are needed in tandem with the changing century.
The last time army act was amended was in 1951. This us 2016.

And for all those websites who published a story with a sick headline and half shown info … APPLAUDS to the INDIAN MEDIA .

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Poor artists

“You know we poor artists have to show ourselves in society from time to time, just to remind the public that we are not savages.”
–from The Picture of Dorian Gray

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Why I Left The Officer’s Training Academy Despite An AIR 2nd In 1st Attempt ?


                 ©Ambika Bhan

In a disclaimer that this might invite the wrath n criticism of many but I think I owe it to myself n my pillars of support to write , write about my life’s biggest decision.
To Quit The Indian Army

I am not here to justify myself or to answer the many shocking voices of people who have known me , admired me , hated me or envied me. And especially those who so genuinely sought my advice n ‘gyaan’ once I got recommended. I am just here to do what I love doing … Speaking my truth in freedom without fear.

A dear friend and also an army man once told me, ” Indian army doesn’t need women.” I was offended by what he said feeling it as a direct blow to my feminist self. But I should have heard him completely.

Women in the armed forces are just the manifestation of an effort by the Indian state to prove that we believe in gender equality and women empowerment.

1. Lets be frank about it women aren’t serving in combats n r not even needed to actually use a rifle once in the services. So to be logical I wasn’t going to be a warrior like my male counterparts would be.
Secondly 70% of the lady cadets inside had some or the other sort of a pelvic fracture, some even spine fractures… aggravated to the extent that they might not be able to conceive or the effects of these injuries shall be visible in later years.
Now my question … what’s the logic of having such a training regimen that results in you becoming a defaulted piece when u aren’t even going be in combat ?
N by this I don’t mean women are weak . MC Mary Kom could win us a medal even after having 2 kids. But an 11 month crash course to become an officer n that too in weather conditions of Chennai with no concept of any strengthening exercises and no sleep given is of course going to lead to such dire injuries.

Ok , i am not supposed to say this or whatever happens inside the academy but when a human body doesn’t get time to heal and restore itself it breaks and that doesn’t make you strong. Well it just breaks you.
Given the modern lifestyles that we live into its absurd to expect the majority of our generation to be a bodybuilder or something.
I don’t think even Olympic wrestlers would be lifting weights 24/7 for an year.
So Why doesn’t the SSB actually check n recommend the candidates who have been agile n active physically not someone who has always been playing in the pages of a book n busy preparing for competitive exams. Or better still increase the duration n the place of training and gradually get the body accustomed to the changes.

What is so peculiar about the training that a lady cadet doesn’t have her periods for 9-11 months straight.

2.For 23 years of my life , I was taught by my father , my teachers n my books to question everything n not to blindly follow. Because in your questions lies your key to knowledge n in knowledge lies liberation. The opposite of this was what precisely happened inside. Don’t ask questions. Don’t give explainations. The cultural and intellectual overhaul wasn’t something I wanted.
I was told that I will get used to it in 2 months . N of course I will because after 2 months what will emerge will be an entirely different person with a perfect ability to take orders n mechanically respond to them. And I wasn’t ok with it .

3. I was despised n slammed by everyone inside for taking this decision. And I was told,” this is a prestigious academy and people like you ‘topper types’ ‘lawyer types’ with heads filled with ideas of rights , freedom , etc etc are always the ones who leave . We are creating men out of boys here !!! ”
Great … but
What are you creating out of girls , certainly not women ???

In a subtle discourse on equality please observe I am a woman. You can train me to become a warrior . But you can’t turn me into a man and then tell me that ..look ! We have empowered you !
The identity crisis that ensues is idiotic.
And on top of that any contact or even having a basic conversation with a GC is prohibited . Because lets admit this , “For them you are more of an eye candy since they haven’t seen a woman in a long time” .
So what’s the difference in n out ? When a girl is told ,” behave properly, don’t be friendly with guys they’ll think you are available ”
Is it implied that a man’s sexual appetite and desires should guide a woman’s way of life.
Ok for some , but not for me !

I have a body shape and curves.Trust me , I am not interested in inviting or exciting anyone sexually but don’t expect me to magically flatten my cleavage just because the sepoys n the jawans n other GCs are there.

4. If the training at the academies explicitly wants me to shut off my mind and follow orders ( which by the way is necessary for the armed forces) then why did you choose a person who is rational.
I didn’t fake anything at the SSB. My entire interview revolved around me being a Kashmiri and the politics of my state , my take on that. With the zeal n creativity I answered those question my IO complimented me saying,”you know how to play with words”. So how am I being expected to crush and kill that creativity and the love for freedom of speech and expression.  I am a lawyer and a writer on top of that . The last thing I can do in this world is to lower my eyes and say , YES SIR , YES MAM to even the things that are absurd n illogical.

You know it would take more than 2 stars and a uniform for me to justify my purpose and meaning in this world.

5.There is a term called being in DOPE that means your body n mind are exhausted to such a level that your motor skills become weak and you are like those slum dwelling kidnapped drugged children. To quote an example , if a national level debater like me can fail to introduce herself before 30 people then there certainly is a problem.
And for someone who used to study for 12 hours a day I am not able to read even 10 pages at a stretch and understand anything.

6.So another set of taunts that I heard was ,” what will you do outside ? Wear bangles , a saree and have kids ?”
And all this from lady officers .
I was enslaved there , I couldn’t question u back but today I can .
“Our mothers wear a saree , she gave birth to us , does it make her weak ? ”
Oh , and Indira Gandhi wore a saree , did that make her weak?
Doesn’t almost every girl want to be a mother someday? To bring a life into this world .
Its hysterical and almost funny that their notions of strength have skewed to such a level that someone who can’t do 500 pushups is ‘mentally weak’.

7.And , why the showbiz for god sake ? Why ds the cupboard have 2 sets of uniform hanging , just like that n not to be worn.? Why is a harpic n colin issued to you but u aren’t supposed to use it to clean ur bathrooms n buy ur own?

8 .a captain’s wife almost my age and I have to wish her , even if I see her 1000 times … N later maybe even welcome her to a party n click her pictures while she joyously sips her drink. WHY … Rightfully boasting about myself I studied so hard , cracked the ssb , topped the exam to reach there and what did she do ?
Marry an officer ?
Well if that is the amount of respect that an army wife holds , I think its time I should get married to my boyfriend .

9. I had an injury and the doctor advised me that had I continued my both elbows had 90% chances of getting fractured as the angles were too much.

10. And to all those and to my own demons who might lead me to believe that I was a loser and a quitter .

It takes a lot of guts to kick a job of almost 70k bucks , to kick a job that shall give you a class 1 Gazetted officer status in GOI , to kick a job even though you got an AIR 2nd and you were a mini celebrity , to kick a job despite knowing the fact that LOG KYA KAHENGE …

It takes a lot of strength to give up on things as well as people who can’t give you happiness and satisfaction despite of having to bear the taunts of the world.


© Ambika Bhan (Athena )

P.s- my utmost respect to army n all those who have undergone or are undergoing the training to achieve their dreams. It is awesome and great but it wasn’t right for me ., so please  don’t judge .

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