Its 1 o clock , in the wee hours of night and I am crumpled in the tiniest room of a hostel, watching videos made by beautiful girls on YouTube. Videos about how to wear a make up, about how to dress up fashionably, about everything and anything you can imagine.
Girls, those beautiful princesses you find at the big screens, those born with a silver spoon kinda women, the ones who look like straight from a fashion show, not a hair astray … those who are toppers in schools and colleges and yet manage all this so well.
The perfect eye makeup, the perfect long beautiful hair, the perfect dresses and the perfect smile.
I wonder …
I haven’t been a topper in my school , college days . I haven’t been some sports freak . Neither a super studious chap. I was just this average person. No big proposals from a guy. No topper tags. No showering compliments from people. Not even a single head turned while I walked. But yes they did turn when I spoke.
I don’t want anyone telling me I am beautiful in my own way. Of course I know that. I ain’t a Damn school going teenager. I know and I have embraced myself including my flaws well.
But then why …. Why am I watching these videos late into the night , trying to imagine and wanting myself to be like them. All perfect . And then every morning getting dressed up like I usually do. Buying stuff that I never have the confidence of wearing… those loud earrings, those glittering bangles , those heels, those dresses … All reminiscences n reminders of my incapacities, my hidden, secret wishes but wishes that I don’t dare to fulfil for the fear of the unknown, for the fear of being mocked at ?
Then why when the man I love drags me into a store asking me to buy anything for myself, why do I run like a shy lil kid trying to avoid the gaze of his teacher ?
Why do I do that ??
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